He couldn’t believe his eyes. He kept reading, even though every line that he read was like a fresh punch to his gut. He knew his little girl was becoming an adult, but he never thought she’d drift so far from what he taught her. He thought of pinching himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Heartbroken, he forced himself to read all the way through. Then he got to the last line of the letter, and he understood everything.
But when he woke up that morning, Steve never thought he’d find himself in such a bizarre situation. In fact, it was quite the opposite. That Sunday was an exciting day for him. His favorite football team, the New England Patriots, was playing the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl LII. As a lifelong fan, he had made detailed arrangements for that day, because he didn’t want to miss a single moment of the game. But not everyone in his family was as enthusiastic.
D and G stories
Steve has a 16-year-old daughter named Anna. She is his only child, so naturally, he dotes on her. He fondly remembers taking her to Patriots games, buying her the team’s jersey and decorating her room with football memorabilia. When she was little, she was as passionate a fan as she was. But as the years went by and she grew up, she started developing different interests. And soon, her love of the Patriots began dwindling.
Anna had promised Steve she’d watch the Super Bowl with him, and she did. But he could tell she wasn’t really into it. She mostly stared at her phone screen, texting her friends and laughing at memes on the internet. Steve was sad, but he didn’t say anything. He tried to focus on the game, which was not going well for the Patriots. In fact, it was going terribly. Despite mounting a comeback in the 3rd quarter, it was not enough. They lost 41-33 to the Eagles. Steve was inconsolable.
After the game ended, Steve sat on his couch for a good 15 minutes with his head in his hands. He couldn’t believe the Patriots had lost to a team who had never won the Super Bowl before. His day was ruined. Then he looked around the room and realized that Anna was gone. He decided to go look for her and take her out for ice cream. It wasn’t going to make things better, but would at least help take his mind off it. He went to Anna’s room.
The door to Anna’s room was open, something that rarely happened now that she was a teenager. He walked in and realized she wasn’t there. But the whole house was quiet, so he had no idea where she had gone. Then he saw a hand-written note on Anna’s bed. He picked it up and started reading, not knowing what he was in for.
The Laugh Bible
“Dear Mom and Dad, I’m sorry to have to tell you like this, but I’m eloping with my new boyfriend Muhammad.” Steve’s head started spinning. He had no idea Anna even had a boyfriend. He kept reading. “I’ve finally found true love, and he’s just great! I especially love his cute piercings, sexy scars, cool tattoos and his big motorcycle!” Steve was mortified. Had she drifted so far that she found a tattooed motorcycle guy sexy? But it was about to get worse.
“And that’s not all,” continued the letter. “I’m expecting a child with Muhammad, and I’m already four months pregnant. We’re going to settle down in his trailer, and he says that he wants even more children. I’m so happy!!! And guess what? We’re going to get married next week!” Steve thought this had to be a nightmare. He never imagined his daughter would become a mom at 16. But the nightmare was far from over.
The letter went on. “Don’t worry about money – Muhammad’s friends Juan and Stanislav are in the movie business, and they’ve arranged for me to become an actress! The job pays pretty well, 50 dollars per take, and I get another 50 if there are more than three men in the same scene. So don’t worry about me – I’m 16 years old and can take care of myself. XOXO, Anna.” Steve couldn’t take it anymore. And then he read the postscript.
Steve got to the bottom of the letter, feeling like he was about to have a heart attack. Then he read the last few lines. “P.S. Dad, none of this is true – I only popped over to Emma’s place to watch some TV. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than The Patriots losing to The Eagles!” It took Steve a second to process the words, but then he understood everything.
Letting out a huge sigh, Steve plopped himself on top of Anna’s bed. Then he started laughing. Anna had scared the life out of him, but it had been to teach him a lesson. And it had worked. Suddenly, he couldn’t care less if the Patriots had just lost the Super Bowl. After all, they were five-time champions and they were bound to win again. He felt silly for having been so upset. He knew he had to make things right - so he walked to the neighbor’s house.
Ever since they were little, Anna and Emma, the neighbors’ daughter, had been close friends. Steve wondered what Emma’s reaction had been when Anna told her about the note she left him. He felt a little embarrassed. He knocked on the door, and both Emma and Anna appeared. “Hey, girls,” he said, trying to act as casual as possible. “Want to go for some ice cream?” He waited for their reply.
Anna and Emma looked at each other, giggled, walked out the door and followed Steve to his car. “How was the game, Mr. Steve?” asked Emma. “We lost,” Steve said. “But there are worse things in life.” Anna just smiled and didn’t say anything, but he knew she realized her plan had worked. And it seems she’s not the only teenager to pull off this trick.
A man was passing by his son Josh’s bedroom when he noticed the bed was tidily made and there were no dirty clothes on the floor. Knowing his son, this struck him as odd, so he went inside. On the bed, he found a note from the 15-year-old boy. The letter said he was eloping with his girlfriend Stacy, who was pregnant and infected with AIDS. But the postscript was even more clever than Anna’s.
Grizzly Bear Blues
In the postscript, Josh admitted none of it was true. “I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table,” he wrote. “Call when it is safe for me to come home!” This time, Josh had used the letter to diffuse his dad’s anger over his bad grades. Do you think this trend will catch on?